Should We Stay Together or Separate?

When couples are on the brink of divorce or have mixed agendas about the relationship, they want space to explore all of their options. While searching for the right couples therapist, they may come across therapists who specialize in "discernment counseling." But what does that actually mean?

Discernment counseling is a type of therapy approach intended to help couples decide whether to stay together or separate.

It's often a good fit for situations when:

• One partner is committed to staying and saving the relationship, while the other is on the fence

• Both partners can see a future together, but feel hesitant or ambivalent about moving forward

• The couple is considering divorce and needs support in making an informed decision

• The couple is navigating infidelity

• Resentments have built up over time, leading to an erosion of trust or intimacy

• The couple has tried couples therapy in the past but did not feel it was helpful

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The Discernment Counseling Process

Discernment counseling is a short-term process, typically lasting between 1-5 sessions. It includes both individual and conjoint sessions.

Individual check-ins with each partner help clarify each person’s role in the relationship’s problems, provide space to express individual perspectives and personal values, and increase self-awareness. These sessions also aim to identify unhealthy patterns or habits that each partner brings into the relationship, which would be addressed if the couple decides to continue the relationship or marriage.

Conjoint sessions then focus on discussing what was learned individually, with the goal of making an informed and intentional decision. At the end of each session, both partners agree on one of three paths forward:

• We stay together

• We separate or divorce

• We make a six-month commitment to couples therapy, with a clear agenda for personal change, with divorce being off the table during that period

  
  

If the couple decides to separate or divorce, the therapist helps them create a plan for how they would like to cooperate during the divorce process, as well as how to communicate and remain cordial with one another afterward.

How Is Discernment Counseling Different From Couples Therapy?

In short, discernment counseling does not focus on skill-building or working on the relationship. Instead, it accepts ambivalence and supports couples in making an informed decision.

The outcome is not necessarily to stay together, but for each partner to leave with a clearer picture of the work required to repair the relationship, or a confident decision for separation.

Couples therapy, on the other hand, is most helpful once both partners have agreed to work on the relationship and are committed to change. It is often longer-term and focuses on learning communication and conflict resolution skills, healing from betrayal, building intimacy, and creating a stronger, healthier relationship over time.

The Therapist’s Role

A discernment therapist maintains a neutral and direct stance, helping both partners explore their individual roles and how they contribute to the current state of the relationship. The therapist should remain non-biased and does not push the couple toward staying together or separating.

The goal is to support both partners in finding a path forward that aligns with their personal values, provides clarity and confidence in their decision, and allows them to walk forward with dignity.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist who supports couples through discernment counseling, I offer free 20-minute consultations to connect and discuss how I can support you in this decision-making process.

Take good care,

Kalie Pham, LMFT

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Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.