Why Sex Changes in Long-Term Relationships (and What to Do About It)

Question from a reader:

"My partner and I have been together for years. In the beginning, our sex life was wild and spontaneous, we were practically all over each other. But now, we’ve lost the passion we felt when we first started dating. Sex feels less frequent and more routine. I usually initiate, but sometimes she’s not interested. She’ll even suggest having sex, then back out. I worry she’s not attracted to me anymore. She says she feels overwhelmed and pressured, but sometimes she gets frustrated and says I’m always thinking about sex. I don’t want to always make the first move. How can I make sense of this?"

-Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

First off, what you’re feeling, confusion, frustration, maybe even insecurity, is completely normal. Many long-term relationships go through shifts in intimacy and sexual desire. Life stress, work, kids, and health changes all play a role.

Here’s the key, differences in sexual desire don’t automatically mean your partner isn’t attracted to you. Desire is not just a drive like hunger, it’s complex and shaped by emotions, psychology, and context.

Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are explains that desire can look very different from person to person. She identifies three types:

• Spontaneous desire: The heat-of-the-moment type. You might get turned on suddenly, out of the blue.

• Responsive desire: The slow burn. This kind of desire that sparks in response to something -  a romantic gesture, touch, or a specific cue. For example, kissing, teasing, or a steamy whisper might trigger arousal.

• Contextual desire: Desire that depends on mood, stress levels, or environment. Someone might feel in the mood on vacation but not during a hectic work week.

When partners have different types of desire, like one being spontaneous and the other responsive, it can feel like rejection, but it usually isn’t about attraction at all. It’s just different wiring.

Tips for Navigating Desire Differences in Long-Term Relationships

1. Talk Openly About Desire: Have calm, judgment-free conversations about your sexual needs and frustrations. Use “I” statements to share how you feel without blaming your partner.

2. Understand Each Other’s Desire Type: Learn whether you or your partner experiences spontaneous, responsive, or contextual desire. Knowing this can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

3. Focus on Connection Outside the Bedroom: Intimacy flows from emotional closeness. Cuddle, hold hands, and spend quality time together to strengthen your bond. Make romance intentional! Small gestures matter. A flirty text, playful touch, or surprise date can spark arousal.

   
   

4. Reduce Pressure Around SexAvoid framing intimacy as an obligation. Pressure can lower desire, especially for partners who need a spark or the right context.

   
   

5. Explore Sensate Focus or Slow Touch: Non-sexual, mindful touch exercises can help you reconnect physically and emotionally without the pressure for sex.

   
   

6. Manage Stress and Life Demands: This one is key; nothing puts the brakes on sexiness more than stress, fatigue, and busy schedules! Prioritize rest, self-care, and shared downtime to support intimacy.

7. Seek Professional Support if Needed: A couples therapist can help navigate mismatched desire, rebuild intimacy, and improve communication around sex.

   
   

Takeaways for couples:

• Sexual desire varies from person to person

• Differences in desire don’t mean a lack of attraction

• These challenges are normal in long-term relationships

  
  

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I help couples navigate differences in sexual desire, understand each other better, and rebuild intimacy in their relationship. I also offer a free 20-minute consultation call to see if we might be a good fit.

Take good care,

Kalie Pham, LMFT

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Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.