What to Expect in Couples Therapy: A Realistic Look Inside the Process

For many couples, deciding to start therapy is both hopeful and intimidating. You want things to feel better, to fight less, to feel close again, but you might wonder, What actually happens in couples therapy? Will we just talk about our problems? Will it make things worse before it gets better?

Let’s demystify what to expect in couples therapy so it feels less like walking into the unknown and more like stepping into a process with direction and purpose.

The First Step: Slowing Down to Understand the Pattern

In the beginning, therapy isn’t about deciding who’s right or wrong; it’s about slowing down enough to understand the pattern you both get caught in. Every couple develops cycles: one person pursues, the other withdraws; one gets louder, the other shuts down. The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict but to see what’s happening underneath it, usually fear, loneliness, or the longing to be understood.

You can expect your therapist to help each of you share your perspective safely, without interruption or blame. You’ll start learning to translate frustration into emotion: from “You never listen” to “I feel invisible when I don’t feel heard.” That shift alone can begin to change the tone between you.

The Middle Phase: Rebuilding Safety and Connection

Once you’ve mapped out your cycle, therapy turns toward repair. This is where we practice new ways of reaching for each other. Through an attachment and emotionally focused lens, I help partners recognize what their reactions are trying to protect, and how to respond to one another in ways that create safety instead of distance.

Some sessions may feel emotional or tender; others may be surprisingly hopeful. It’s normal for one partner to be cautious at first and the other to be ready to dive in. The work is about pacing, moving slowly enough that both people can stay emotionally present.

Depending on your needs, I might integrate tools from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to process past relational injuries or traumas that still shape how you show up today.

The Ongoing Process: Integration and Growth

Couples therapy isn’t meant to be forever; it’s a focused process designed to help you both feel equipped to communicate and repair more easily on your own. Over time, you’ll notice arguments feel less explosive, vulnerability feels less risky, and connection starts to feel possible again.

What to expect in couples therapy is not perfection, but understanding. When partners learn to listen differently and respond with empathy rather than defense, everything else begins to shift.

If you’ve been considering therapy, know that it’s not about fixing your relationship; it’s about finding each other again.

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Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.

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