Why You and Your Partner Keep Having the Same Fight (And How to Stop)

If you and your partner keep having the same fight over and over again?

It's not about you, and it's not about them.

In couples therapy, we look at it differently:

It’s not me versus you. It’s me and you versus our cycle.

I'm Kalie, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works with couples. One of the biggest shifts I see in therapy happens when partners stop seeing each other as the enemy and start seeing the cycle they are stuck in.

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, identified three common “demon dialogues” that couples fall into. See which one fits your relationship:

Find the Bad Guy

If your fights sound like court cases, this may be your cycle. Conflict turns into:

"Whose fault is this?"

"You always…"

"You never…"

There is scorekeeping and defensiveness. Both partners try to prove their case. Underneath, both of you feel hurt and unsafe. But instead of sharing the hurt, you protect yourself by blaming.

The shift? Stop describing your partner and start describing yourself.

Instead of “You never show up,” try “When that happened, I felt hurt. I miss feeling close to you.”

Vulnerability softens the courtroom.

The Protest Polka

(This is often called a pursue and withdraw dynamic)

One partner gets louder. The other gets quieter. The pursuer pushes for connection and resolution.The withdrawer pulls back to avoid conflict or overwhelm. The more one pushes, the more the other shuts down. Underneath, the pursuer often feels afraid of losing the relationship. The withdrawer often feels overwhelmed or like they are failing.

The shift for the pursuer? Soften your approach and lead with the vulnerable feeling (the softer feeling underneath the anger).

The shift for the withdrawer? Practice staying present just enough to signal, “I am still here with you."

Freeze and Flee

This cycle feels heavy and hopeless. Both partners shut down and avoid hard conversations. One or both partners disengage emotionally.

Inside, it sounds like:

What's the point?

Nothing helps.

I can't win.

Instead of escalating, the relationship goes silent and numb.

The shift? Instead of solving the problem right away, work on rebuilding safety: small check ins, small repairs, and small reminders that you care.

If any of these patterns feel familiar in your relationship, that’s actually good news. The first step toward improving communication is recognizing the cycle you’re caught in. When couples can name their dance, they stop fighting each other and begin working together to change the pattern.

If you and your partner need support navigating conflict and working to get unstuck from a negative cycle, schedule a free 20-minute consultation to start your couples therapy journey.

With love,

Kalie Pham, LMFT

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Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.