Attachment Styles in Relationships: Understanding How You Connect

Have you ever wondered why you crave closeness while your partner pulls away or vice versa? Understanding attachment styles in relationships offers a compassionate framework for why we love, argue, and protect ourselves the way we do.

Attachment theory suggests that our earliest experiences with caregivers teach us what to expect from closeness. Those patterns often carry into adult relationships:

• Anxious attachment tends to seek reassurance and fears disconnection.

• Avoidant attachment values independence and may withdraw under stress.

• Secure attachment balances closeness and autonomy.

These patterns aren’t flaws. They’re strategies the nervous system developed to stay safe. When two different attachment styles meet, the cycle can look like “chase and retreat”: one partner pursues, the other shuts down, and both feel unseen.

Awareness is the first step toward change. Noticing your attachment triggers (“They haven’t texted back—are they pulling away?” or “I need space or I’ll say something I regret”) helps you name what’s happening before reacting.

Partners can learn to co-regulate, slowing down, offering reassurance, or simply staying present through discomfort. Over time, this rewires the sense of safety between you.

The goal isn’t to eliminate attachment needs; it’s to meet them consciously. When you understand your style, you can begin to love from awareness rather than fear.

---

Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.

SCHEDULE A FREE CONSULTATION