Why You Keep Having the Same Argument (and How Santa Monica Couples Therapy Can Help)

If you’ve ever thought, “We’re arguing about this again?”... you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves circling the same conflict, no matter how much they love each other. Santa Monica couples therapy offers a space to slow down and look beneath the surface of these repeated arguments so you can understand what’s really driving them.

Most recurring fights aren’t about dishes or schedules; they’re about unmet needs for connection, safety, or understanding. When we feel unseen or misunderstood, our nervous systems react. One partner might shut down, while the other pushes harder for reassurance. Both feel unheard, and the cycle keeps spinning.

In therapy, we start by mapping these moments with curiosity rather than blame. Using an attachment and emotionally focused lens, I help partners identify what each person is truly feeling and needing underneath the conflict. As awareness grows, you begin to recognize patterns before they spiral and develop new ways to reach for each other that invite closeness rather than defensiveness.

Sometimes, I integrate EMDR or mindfulness techniques to help regulate the body during tense moments. Learning to stay grounded together builds trust and allows space for empathy to take root.

Breaking the cycle doesn’t mean never arguing again. It means arguing differently. Santa Monica couples therapy gives you the tools to listen for what’s underneath the words, so conflict becomes a doorway back to connection.

If you’re tired of feeling stuck in the same loop, therapy can help you find a new rhythm together.

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Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.