How to Build Intimacy in Your Relationship: One Simple Habit to Try

One of the most common questions I hear as a couples therapist is, "How do we build intimacy in our relationship again?" Some might imagine that means planning more elaborate date nights, trying new, wild positions in bed, or learning some secret that will totally transform the way we relate to each other.

One thing I teach in couples therapy is this little secret: intimacy usually isn't built through grand gestures that cost a lot of time or money. It's built through small moments of turning toward each other.

Think about those in-between moments: catching your partner's eye and getting a cheeky smile back. Holding hands in the car. Letting a kiss linger just a little longer than usual. Hugging a bit tighter. Asking what they thought about the movie they just watched.

These small, simple gestures may not seem like much, but over time, they're the building blocks of closeness.

My personal favorite? Eye contact.

"The eyes are the window to the soul"

Research suggests that warm, mutual eye contact plays an important role in connection and bonding. Along with other affectionate interactions like touch and physical closeness, it may help activate our body's bonding systems, including oxytocin, often nicknamed the "bonding hormone." It can also support a greater sense of safety and co-regulation with our partner. When we feel emotionally safe with someone, our nervous systems tend to settle. Co-regulation, baby.

My challenge to you this week: when your eyes meet your partner's, hold the gaze just a little longer than you normally would. Really take them in. It might feel a little awkward at first (and might stir up some giggles), but if you stay with it, something interesting often starts to happen. You may feel more connected. You might even get emotional, and that's okay!

Sometimes, strengthening intimacy isn't about doing more. It's about slowing down long enough to truly see the person standing in front of you. If you're struggling with rebuilding intimacy, couples therapy can help you slow things down to build more emotional closeness. I offer free 20-minute consultations to see if I might be a good fit for your relationship.

Happy gazing!

Kalie Pham, LMFT

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Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.