The Art of Repair: How to Reconnect After a Fight
- Kalie Pham
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
So you're in the heat of an argument, and it's gone too far... Now what? Let’s start by recognizing that all couples fight, but what matters most is how they repair.
Repair is when we make any effort to slow things down during conflict, turn toward each other, and reconnect.
According to Gottman research, the ability to repair and return to a more positive emotional state during conflict is a key predictor of relationship stability. Stable couples use early repair attempts, use them more frequently, and successfully de-escalate conflict in real time. Unstable couples either make fewer repairs, or they make repair attempts but their partners fail to accept them.
Repair attempts are any behaviors, verbal or nonverbal, that serve to:
De-escalate tension
Soften, take responsibility, and reduce defensiveness
Reconnect emotionally
Shift the tone from negative to more positive
Deciding to make a repair attempt in the moment is like saying, “Can we not let this get worse and find our way back to each other?”
Examples of verbal repair attempts:
“Okay, I’m getting defensive.”
“That came out harsher than I meant.”
“I can see my part in this.”
“Can we slow this down?”
“I want us to be okay.”
“I get why you’d feel that way.”
“That makes sense to me.”
“I love you.”
“We’re on the same team.”
Examples of nonverbal repair attempts:
Reaching for a hand
Eye contact
A hug
A playful tone shift
A smile
Taking a breath or pausing
Importantly, successful repair is a mutual process; the ability to accept a repair attempt is just as important as making one! According to Gottman research, successful repair is not about how skillful it is, but whether the other partner receives and accepts it rather than ignoring or rejecting it, which often leads to further disconnection or escalation.
Tips for post-fight co-regulation
During conflict, our nervous systems become activated, and we may need both self-soothing and co-regulation to calm down and re-establish emotional safety. It's important to understand each other’s soothing needs: some partners need a hug, while others may need to take a short break. Both are okay!! Regardless of how you choose to self-soothe, it helps to agree on a shared post-fight connection ritual, aka a plan for reconnecting emotionally after conflict.
This might look like:
Going for a walk together
Watching something comforting
Making tea and sitting quietly
Saying “I love you, we’re okay”
Hugging for 20 to 30 seconds
Sitting close or holding hands
Some of my favorite resources for repair:
Book: “Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love” by Nancy Dreyfus
In some situations, we need quick, surface-level repair to move through a conflict, for example if you get into a disagreement on the way to a family event. For deeper, long-term repair, it is important to explore the triggers, core issues, and underlying emotions and needs connected to the conflict.
If conflict feels repetitive, couples therapy can be a helpful space to understand the patterns or cycle underneath it. If you and your partner are committed to building a more stable relationship, you can schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me to see how I can support you on your repair journey.
Warmly,
Kalie
Kalie Pham, LMFT (#156007), is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Inner Compass Therapy in Santa Monica, California. She specializes in couples therapy, EMDR, and identity-focused individual work. Kalie blends attachment-based, narrative, and somatic approaches to help clients understand themselves, heal relationship patterns, and move toward more grounded connection.
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